Siblings sometimes experience rivalry, even into adulthood. What’s the best way to handle long-standing competition and resentment?
Answered by Karmendra Prakash Shrestha, psychology student, intern at Happy Minds
Sibling rivalry that continues into adulthood is more common than many realize. Though often associated with childhood, these tensions can linger for years, shaped by early roles, perceived favoritism, or unresolved conflicts. When left unaddressed, they can harden into patterns of resentment, comparison, and emotional distance.
The first and often most effective step is reflection. Understanding the nature of the rivalry, what triggers it, how it plays out, and what emotions surface, is essential. Many adult sibling conflicts are fueled not just by recent interactions, but by long-standing dynamics that date back to early family life. Bringing awareness to these patterns helps shift the focus from blame to understanding.
When communication becomes necessary, it’s most productive to approach it thoughtfully and without accusation. Conversations that center on one’s own experience rather than judgment or critique tend to be more constructive. For example, stating how a dynamic has been experienced or how certain interactions have felt is more likely to foster openness than recounting past wrongs. The goal is not to assign fault but to create space for mutual recognition.
Boundaries also play a critical role. If interactions consistently lead to emotional distress or conflict, it’s appropriate to limit contact or define clear expectations around communication. Boundaries aren’t a rejection but rather a way to maintain emotional well-being and preserve the potential for respectful engagement.
It’s also important to avoid comparisons. Rivalry often thrives on perceived inequalities, differences in success, attention, or approval, but comparing paths only deepens division. Every individual has a unique journey, and peace often begins when those comparisons are set aside in favor of acceptance and self-defined values.
Unresolved resentment may be rooted in early family roles or unmet emotional needs. Exploring those origins can provide clarity and relief, particularly with the support of therapy. Professional guidance can offer a neutral space to untangle these threads and support healing, whether individually or as a family.
Forgiveness may be part of the process, though it should not be confused with forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. Rather, it involves releasing the expectation that the past could have unfolded differently. This release allows room to make decisions based on the present reality, not past pain.
Ultimately, it’s possible to shift a long-standing dynamic, but change doesn’t always require both parties. Even without reconciliation, personal clarity and healthier responses can transform the emotional impact of the relationship. In some cases, reduced contact brings peace; in others, new understanding opens the door to a more respectful and authentic connection. Siblings share history, but that doesn’t mean they must share the same future. With intention and emotional care, it’s possible to honor the past while choosing a different path forward.
