Many of us have a problem saying no to people. It makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to explain ourselves or make elaborate excuses. So, we end up saying yes to things we would rather not be a part of. I guess it’s one of the most common human conditions—one that we would like to correct but find ourselves unable to most of the time. 

I’m horrible at saying no to people. My default response is always a ‘sure’ or an ‘okay’ even as my mind is screaming otherwise. I don’t want to disappoint people or come across as someone who is difficult. But saying yes doesn’t always guarantee I will follow through on my promises. I will often skip lunches and invites despite having said yes to them. I’ll find ways to back out last minute and feel relieved when someone cancels engagements I’ve agreed to be a part of. I realize if I could only say no to things I don’t feel like doing, I don’t have to be unnecessarily stressed out or eventually do things half heartedly. 

I always vow to do better—to speak my mind and turn down offers I’m not interested in. I’m envious of people who can say no. Every year, it’s one of my top five resolutions. I’m trying to learn how to say no without offending people. But it’s not an easy thing. Whenever I say no (or try to say no) I can clearly see the hurt on the other person’s face and I start to explain myself, sometimes even making up stories as I go. I hate myself for it. But I fall into the trap every single time. 

I have a few friends, colleagues, and mentors who can say no politely and with ease. One thing they all seem to have in common is clearly sorted priorities. They know they won’t be able to give time to certain things and have no qualms about rejecting those offers. I have spoken to a few of them and they have all maintained that how the other person feels isn’t in their control. The best they can do is be direct and clearly state where they stand. It prevents future misunderstandings and complications, they say. 

I have said yes to things that I’ve had to cancel at the last minute and this is even worse than not being able to say no in the first place. I realize it makes me lose face and people aren’t likely to take my words seriously in the future. I can’t remember the number of times I’ve said yes to invitations and engagements knowing full well that I might not be able to make it and then regretted it later. 

I’ve also had people say yes to me only to disappear at the last minute. Once a senior female journalist agreed to participate in a roundtable event I was organizing for research purposes. She even confirmed a week before the discussion. Then she wouldn’t pick up her phone or respond to texts a day prior to the event. I know she wasn’t ill or had had no emergencies and could have responded to the calls and texts as she was out and about town. Some people I knew had even caught up with her for coffee and chitchat. 

Needless to say, I hated being on the receiving end of this kind of unprofessional behavior and I wondered how many times I might have disappointed people in a similar fashion. I would like to say that I’ve always made it a point to cancel if I wouldn’t be able to do something I had said yes to but I must have pulled the disappearing act too a few times when it has been too awkward to cancel. 

This one incident has made me think deeply and seriously about the importance and perhaps kindness of saying no rather than saying yes to seem amicable and nice and then later backing out. Though initially alarming, it gives the other person clarity on where things stand. It’s a nicer thing to do for the sake of the other person and also a kind thing to do for yourself. You will feel better about yourself and won’t be stressed. 

Saying no takes practice and it’s not something I hope to achieve overnight or through resolutions but to start with I’m definitely going to force myself to speak my mind instead of saying yes to everything that comes my way. 

One of my colleagues told me a great way to start saying no is to tell people you will think it through when they ask you something and not give an immediate answer. This allows you space to gather your thoughts and give a dignified answer without offending anyone or without having to compromise.