“You should join a gym. It’s the only way to lose weight”, “Take my advice and stay at home with the baby. You will regret it later”, “It’s time to change the plants in your garden. Do it right away”, “Make sure the baby sleeps on his side and don’t use these thick diapers. The one we got for you is the best”, “I potty trained my daughter when she was six months old. It’s never too early to start”, “You should have rice three times a day or else your body will not get adequate calories”. 

These are a few of the many ‘well meaning’ advice that I have been given in the past couple of months. There have been more but I can’t recollect them. After a point I guess I just stopped listening. But I have been told how I should look after my infant, run my house, manage work, and take care of myself. I wanted to tell people that I knew what I was doing and that what worked for them might not work for me. But there was no polite way to say it and as much as it bothered me, I chose to stay quiet. I didn’t want to offend people and have to deal with their hurt feelings. Confronting them felt like one more task in my already long list of things to do.

But staying quiet comes at a price. I’m disturbed by all the ‘advice’ and the know-it-all attitude of people who were only ‘looking out for me’. I feel judged, violated, and dismissed. The advice feels like veiled criticism and when you are already stretched thin, it makes you feel worthless. My mom, seeing how disturbed I am, tells me that I should let things in through one ear and out the other. But it’s easier said than done. I constantly find myself thinking over the things I’ve been told and seething at my inability to tell them off. 

I have simply smiled and nodded while being lectured on the kind of diapers I should be using for my baby while watching the cousin’s two-year-old run amok on our couch with his shoes on. The child also dropped his pacifier and was told to pick it up and put it back in his mouth. The relative who wanted me to start potty training my two month old had a daughter who was still peeing in her pants. And she was 10 years old. 

I often wonder why people are so quick to point out flaws in others while being completely oblivious to their own. I’m starting to think that for some people nitpicking is how they feel good about themselves. I have been reading a lot on the psychology of advice-givers and a common theory is that those who tend to give unsolicited advice usually have a superior attitude. They think they are smarter and special than those around them. And indeed, that vibe has definitely been there when people have dished out advice without being asked for it. 

Another thing that is quite upsetting is that people expect you to follow their advice and get offended when you don’t agree with them or do as they say with immediate effect. When a relative insisted that my baby must wear a cap indoors, I could see the annoyance in her face when I didn’t rush upstairs to get one. She kept mentioning it several times till I eventually told her that the pediatrician had told us there was no need for one indoors. Even then, she wasn’t appeased. Her husband even went on to say we must listen to our elders instead of following random advice. After all, they were speaking from experience, having raised two children, he said. 

Most of us have a hard time dealing with in-your-face forced advice. It makes us uncomfortable but we are seldom able to voice that discomfort. It’s human nature to think we know best but it takes another level of courage and confidence to project it onto others. I won’t deny that I’m constantly judging people and their life choices. I might not necessarily agree with them but I will defend to death their right to their lifestyles and opinions. I won’t give advice, unless asked and even then I make sure I’m only just sharing my experience, because I firmly believe everyone is doing the best they can. Unless what they do affects me, it shouldn’t really bother me. I just wish people extended the same courtesy to me. 

Unsolicited advice, according to psychology, also stems from people’s need to be in control of any situation. It makes people feel like they have their act together or it’s nice to be seen as someone who does even though that might not be true. But giving unsolicited advice almost always puts people off. I have realized that it strains even the best of relationships when it goes on for too long. I have a family friend who will say the most obvious things to me every time we talk on the phone, and she will say it like she’s the only one who has figured things out. It bores me and I’m always doing something or the other, like cleaning the house or even working, while she’s on speakerphone blabbering away. I sometimes feel bad for her and myself as well because we have wasted valuable time on trivial things when we could have been bonding over more important topics. Over time, I have also started fielding her calls and declining her dinner invitations. 

I would like to be grateful for my family and friends but it’s hard when they dissect my life and choices. I want to be able to tell people to let me be but there’s no way to do that without alienating them altogether. A friend told me she usually drops a hint by telling those giving her advice that she has received a lot of unprompted advice on the subject and that is usually enough to silence them. Another colleague mentioned that he quickly changes the subject. My mom will always agree with the advice being given while telling people she would rather do things her way. I like her approach but I can rarely bring myself to be so direct. But if I could do as she does, it would help me resent people a lot less and keep me sane while eventually sending people a clear message that their opinions, unless sought, aren’t welcome and thus hopefully put an end to the vicious cycle of unsolicited advice.