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There are certain ways we engage with others that are likely to create more distance in relationships. These automatic ways of reacting can lead us to feel frustration at best and have conflicts at worst. Lucy Leu coined the term ‘4Ds of Disconnection,’ which explains four ways that create distance in interpersonal relationships. Let’s understand each of these disconnecting factors and the impact they can have on our relationships as well as our own well-being:

Diagnosis: In our day-to-day interactions, it’s easy for us ‘diagnose’ other people—meaning we find it convenient to blame, criticize, and judge. Diagnosis fuels defensiveness and discord in our interpersonal relations. Who likes to be blamed, judged, or criticized after all? Let’s take my own experience. I have always been an introvert, and I prefer one-one conversations and interactions with a closer group of people instead of parties and gatherings. Some of my relatives take this reality with a pinch of salt.

I remember this one time I went to a family gathering a few years ago when one of my relatives told me straight to my face, “You’re such a loner!” This comment became my self-fulfilling prophecy for not going to gatherings any more. We’re readily subject to being diagnosed in different kinds of social contexts—be it while commenting on someone’s weight (kasto moti bhaeko!) the moment we meet them or judging someone based on two or three interactions we’ve had with them (kasto kichkiche cha). Diagnosis is telling people what they are. When we do this, we get cut off from truly listening and learning what might be going on for them.

Denial of responsibility:  When we deny personal responsibility, we blame others for our choices and actions. We tend to take the ‘anyone but me’ approach. For example, we might say, “It is because you were not listening that I had to raise my voice!” “You make me feel alone.” “I have trust issues because you never tell me what you are up to.” In all of these expressions, if you notice, I, as a speaker, am not acknowledging my choices. I’m instead pointing at others, trying to make them feel guilty, and blaming them for what they did or did not do. Denial of responsibility, therefore, bars us from accepting that we do have personal accountability for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Deserve: A ‘deserve’ language fuels disconnection because we try to become the judge of another person. We measure other people’s actions and behaviors in terms of whether they deserve reward or punishment. When we operate from this mindset, we are less concerned about connecting and more about who deserves what. This makes us lose connection with another person’s needs, objectives and challenges as we are focused more on what we think is right and what we think is wrong.

Demand: Demand in relationships implies the threat of punishment for others if they don’t comply with what we want. If they disagree, we try to make them submit through fear or guilt. You might have noticed that when we make demands, we might not necessarily threaten others with physical punishment but resort to emotional punishment like laying guilt and making ourselves the victim.

Consider a couple that has been planning to go on a trip after the ease in Covid situation. The partner who came up with the trip idea is excited. The other is wrapping his head around the work he needs to get done, now that his office resumed after months of hiatus. His concern may be to get things started at work, but if his partner is not aware of the four 4Ds of Disconnection, she might not be ready to hear a ‘no’ from him.

When he asks her to reschedule the trip, she might probably try to make him feel guilty. “I thought spending quality time with me meant something to you!” “I was getting excited in vain; you surely have more important things to take care of!” If not through guilt, she might subject him to criticism or judgment to make him comply with what she wants. “You worry about all other things in your life, but I am nowhere in it.” “You’re such a selfish person!”

‘Diagnosis’, ‘denial of responsibility’, ‘deserve’ and ‘demands’ are life-alienating forms of communication. They contribute to frustration at best and conflicts at worst. While we can’t escape from other people’s unconscious disconnecting behaviors, we can try not to reciprocate them in our interpersonal relationships.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.” One is Evil—it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

The term ‘Positive Addiction’ to most of us is an oxymoron, isn’t it? It appears to make up a sense of an illogic which is hard to comprehend. This is mainly because the word addiction has such hard-wired and powerful associations to what we have seen, heard, and felt. The only ‘positive’ that we can associate to addicts is their single-minded pursuit for their choice of one’s ‘fix’; and towards which they gravitate by hook or by crook with an astonishing ekagrahta or unparalleled focus.

Let us look at what these words connote—positive deals with all that is good, bright, and wholesome—an expansiveness that reaches from us towards others. It is a movement from the center; to enlarge and envelop an ever-expanding circumference of sentient beings spreading love, caring, comfort, and bodhicitta with its special qualities of friendliness, joy, compassion, and equanimity.

Addiction on the other hand forebodingly conveys a condition of low resolution, dullness, foreboding hues - an ever-contracting selfish state of being parasitically feeding into one’s own entails, moving out toward others once in a while only to satisfy one’s intense cravings to scrounge off others; to devour both others and ultimately in a heroically tragic manner, oneself! The qualities that addiction festers are quite the opposite of bodhicitta and instead of love and caring for others there is more of self-love and selfishness arising from heightened ego state. These are frequently manifested destructively either in aggressive or suppressive forms of behavior. It is but natural then that when we think of an addict or addiction alarm bells are set off and we want to step aside from an addict’s trajectory.

However, in recent years there has been a special space carved out in psychology—under the realm of positive psychology—that attempts at enshrining the positive aspects of addiction. We certainly come across lots of planted stories by big businesses that extol the virtues of workaholics and how it leads to ‘longer, healthier, and happier’ lives but those are not the factitious Machiavellian kind of research that we wish to dwell on here.

The expression ‘positive addiction’ was made popular by the psychologist William Glasser. Essentially what we need to understand is that while addiction to drugs, alcohol, food, smoking, etc. are actually instances of powerful motivation, they erode our moral strength and values, and suffocate flow and creativity. This holds us back from doing our best.

With gross addiction, which after initially catapulting us to vigorous oomphs and aahaa’s of rajasic energy phases, we find ourselves into toxic tamasic dumps, often unable to pull ourselves out of there, even to perform simple day to day chores.

Unlike gross addiction, Glasser believed there were ‘other forms’ of wholesome and enriching addictive activities that give us strength, such as jogging, meditating, writing a diary, exercising, and relaxing. These, he categorized as positive addictions. We often hear people we know complaining how uneasy they are because they did not have their morning walk or skipped their yoga class.  These people, who hanker for their daily game of tennis, or feel very uneasy unless they have their daily ‘legitimate’ walk or jog, will understand what is meant by positive addiction.

Let’s look at some of the main differentiators between positive addiction and addiction. While positive addiction is a self-actualizing phenomenon (remember Maslow?) and invokes a higher spiritual pursuit and intent, addiction is more of an animal need in us. With addiction, the user is obsessively holding on to the thought of the next fix the whole day.

With positive addiction you only think of it once or twice in a day; and after you have performed the activity (such as meditating or jogging), you forget about it until the next day. You get uneasy if you miss your activity whereas with addiction there is continuous obsessive hankering about the ‘fix’; one neither has space nor time for other interests or pursuits. The withdrawal symptoms too are acute, severe and could be fatal sometimes.

However, the most important divergence between them is that positive addiction enhances physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual quality of our life while addiction debilitates and affects our whole being negatively. Positive addiction leads to a healthier and longer life span.

This clearly explains that positive addiction stems from and strengthens our innate self-esteem; while addiction arises from giving up on our dharma or duties or responsibilities. While looking for immediate satisfaction and pleasure to offset real-time failure or disappointment in life, the addict is unable to delay gratification and slips into an abysmal quagmire of harmful addiction. Along with self-esteem two other factors that are deficient in an addict are resilience and hope.

The real tragedy of addiction is the hole that is dug into by the addict, bereft of possibilities—this snatches away the ability from the person to make choices. For the addict, the world exists in black and white. A life in which there is only addiction is a life with no other life! It results in loneliness and isolation from others. 

If you are in a good mood to celebrate, you reach out for your addiction, if you are sad, you reach out for it. If it’s a manner of having fun, or relaxing, or an intellectual-stimuli, or venting out of anger or depression—whatever it is, it prefers to be ‘self-medicated’ with the ‘substance’ of one’s external dependence.

On the other hand, positive addiction allows one a lot of space for possibility thinking and many choices of what we want to do with our lives. On Monday I can choose to read a book, on Tuesday I can paint, on Wednesday I can be playing golf, Thursday I spend a quiet evening, and on Friday I can even go to the pub and chill out with friends…and so on. Life is then vibrant with rich pastels of baroque colors and the in-between shades and hues. One can manifest oneself with an abundant repertoire of thoughts, emotion, and actions. A person with possibility thinking and with a choice of creative abundance dances fearlessly between the innocence of the Fool (zero) and richness of the Magi (infinity).

Today the tendency of gross materialism and a sensate lifestyle takes us far away from our natural curiosity to conjure and manifest unique expressions of possibilities. Isn’t it important, therefore, for each one of us to introspect how much of a choice-making ability we cultivate and how much space for practicing the art of possibility we allow and create in our lives? As the old Cherokee asks, which wolf would we choose?

The author heads Upaaya—a Contemplation and Research Collaborative at Srishti Manipal Institute of Art Design and Technology, Bangalore

A bad dream is not a good way to start a write-up. 

But it can’t be that bad (or can it?), what with the old Delta and new Omicron crises, recurring hikes in the prices of oil and natural gas and subsequent rise in the cost of living affecting our dear lives in varying degrees depending on our respective economic statuses. 

Without mincing words, let yours truly put his nightmare in brief: Shabby public toilets located in a dark underbelly of a decaying city. 

Well, that is what yours truly sees in his dreams once in a while. Where is that city located? Is it the construct of his mind? Yours truly has no idea. Perhaps the nightmare is the result of his recent involvement in some research on the condition of public toilets in the Kathmandu valley or his brief association with the water, sanitation and hygiene (WASH) sector as a small-time consultant in the world of larger-than-life officials/subject experts/specialists/urban planners having unparalleled expertise. Surprisingly enough, our taps have been running dry and public toilets stinking despite huge contributions from these people of high repute and expertise.  

On second thoughts, why blame our crème de la crème alone for all this mess and regard ourselves as holier than thou? We too have some role to play in this, no? 

Can those bad dreams be a call to action from high above? Well, that’s overestimating individual capabilities, though it’s perfect for ego soothing.

While yours truly cannot divine the meaning of those horrific dreams, allow him to share his first-hand experiences and thoughts about the problem with responsible officials, which will surely not make their day!  

My experience of using (or almost using) public toilets in our cities is not much different to that of hundreds of thousands of other people, who have faced similar predicaments and will continue to do so, at least in the foreseeable future, given that magic does not happen in our ordinary lives where the more things change, the more they remain the same. General elections are around the bend, but it will be far-fetched to hope that WASH will be the top agenda of our political parties, who are likely to promise the moon again instead of pledging to bring about small changes in our lives unless and until we make them do it.   

Suffice it to say: Most of these toilets stink to high heaven. Water is hardly available in these toilets and brave sanitary staff stationed there are without personal protective equipment (PPE). On more than one occasion, yours truly had no option but to return without going to the loo for obvious reasons. 

Many government offices use members of the public as second-grade citizens in the matters of the loo. At such offices, the toilets meant for the ‘commoners’ are generally unclean, whereas those meant for their employees are kept clean and locked to prevent the public from (mis-) using them. This level of disrespect for the taxpayer is exceptional and simply unforgivable. 

So much so, the toilets at such infection-prone areas like hospitals are far from clean, generally. Granted that they almost always remain crowded and keeping them clean at all times is a challenging job. But imagine what will happen if hospitals themselves turn into disease/infection hotspots? 

With those parts of our public lives that should be the cleanest at their filthiest, what would the status of public health be, is anyone’s guess. The pandemic should have woken us, including those with the means, ways and authority at their disposal, up to the threat that these toilets pose, but hasn't.      

Would a nightmare like the one yours truly had wake up our authorities from deep slumber and press them to make sure that our public toilets remain clean? If it would, I wish them all some compelling nightmares. 

We have a problem. We don’t share what we need, create stories in our heads about why others will not understand and end up blaming them for how unpleasant we feel.

How often have you wished for people around you to read what's on your mind without having to express it? How often have you expected them to understand what you wanted without communicating? I know I have. When they have failed to predict what I needed in some situations, I've aid things like, "Malai kasaile bujhdaina" or “Mero barema matlab bhaeko bhaye afai bujhi halthyo ni!”

It is understandable that we have expectations from people we live and work with. However, imagine your default being expecting from others without communicating what you need and being frustrated when things don’t go as you hoped for. Miscommunication, misunderstandings, and conflicts would ensue. This is what we experience most of the time, don’t we? When we try to save the effort of making ourselves understood, problems are bound to follow.

Empathic communication can help us. It means putting aside the assumptions and interpretations we have about each other and trying to understand what we need, what matters to us, and how we can support each other.

Here is an example of connecting with your partner:

 What went well today?

They might mention things that went well at work, how they completed a long overdue assignment or the fact that they worked out. You can then share your high moments of the day—no matter how big or small. Such a conversation will allow both of you to understand what you enjoy and hold dearly.

What did not go well today? What was bothering you?

Here you and your partner will have the space to address things or events that were unpleasant throughout the day. You two can share what did not go well for you both at work, school, with your parents, children, or some area of your life. Here your partner might even be able to share how some of your actions or behaviors might have caused them difficulty and how the same might have happened for you too. They might say, “I was looking forward to talking to you, but you didn’t pick my call earlier today.” “I was hoping to see the dishes washed after getting home since you promised to help with it.”

What are you looking forward to?

Despite the highs and lows, there might be some things or events you and your partner might be looking forward to. For your partner, it might be a work presentation, a date with you over the weekend, or meeting some friends. For you, it could be a football match, watching a movie together, or applying for a fellowship or a program. Sharing what you both are anticipating can help you find spaces to support each other.

As in the example above, we can use a simple tool—‘Rose, Thorn, Bud’ to reflect on our daily experiences and connect with each other—colleagues at work, friends and parents.

Rose is a highlight, success, or something positive that happened throughout the day. Ask yourself and others: What's a recent highlight? What's a small win or success you've experienced? What made you proud?

Thorn is a challenge or struggle you experienced or something for which you require more support. Ask yourself and others: What has been challenging? What is causing difficulty or stress? What needs your attention moving forward?

Bud is a new idea, possibility, or something you are looking forward to knowing, understanding, or experiencing more. Ask yourself and others: What are you looking forward to? What opportunities or events are exciting you? What possibilities need growth and nurturing?

Using the Rose, Thorn, Bud can help us with:

1. Self-awareness: We better understand what’s going well, what’s not and what we are looking forward to.

2. Empathy: We better understand what’s going well for others, what’s not and what they are looking forward to.

3. Empathic Connection: We give others a better chance at understanding what our inner world has been like and how, perhaps, they could contribute to our wellbeing. Likewise, we could do the same for them.

Understanding ourselves and other people is not easy, but with effort and the right resources, we can create an environment where doing so becomes a deliberate and engaging process.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com