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I’m a 27-year-old woman and I have an issue with self-esteem. I say that because I am always worried about what people will think of me and go to extreme lengths to seem kind and polite in group settings. I hardly ever say no, and I’m always compromising even when I feel really bad about it. People tend to take me for granted and I allow it to happen. How do I change myself and become more confident about who I am? 

Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher

As a 27-year-old woman grappling with self-esteem issues, your tendency to excessively concern yourself with others' opinions and consistently prioritize their needs at your own could be indicative of underlying self-esteem challenges. These behaviors, including an inability to say no and a propensity to over compromise, may stem from a fear of rejection or a desire for approval. Recognizing these patterns is an important first step towards personal growth and self-confidence. Exploring potential root causes, such as past experiences or influences, including past relationships that may have impacted your sense of self-worth, can help you gain insight into your behavior. Embracing the concept of abundance, where you believe in your inherent worth and the availability of positive opportunities and relationships, can also be transformative in your journey towards building confidence. It’s important to remember that seeking to change and build confidence is a gradual process, and it can be valuable to seek professional support, such as therapy or counseling.

Individuals with personality disorders, like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), often grapple with low self-esteem and difficulties in assertiveness. Building self-esteem and learning to say no assertively are critical skills for them. Assertive responses can take various forms, such as direct refusal, empathetic declines, or offering alternatives. It’s vital to respect one's needs and feelings while considering the feelings of others. Seeking professional guidance and practicing assertive communication can help individuals with personality disorders enhance their self-esteem and navigate social interactions more effectively, ultimately fostering healthier relationships.

Consulting a therapist or counselor is a valuable step to consider, as they can provide you with professional guidance, support, and tailored strategies to navigate these challenges and foster a more assertive and self-assured self. It’s important to note that sometimes these symptoms of low self-esteem, excessive worrying about what others think, and people-pleasing may occur alongside other symptoms of anxiety, potentially indicative of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

I’m a 45-year-old woman who has a teenage daughter. She is 14. I’m finding it difficult to relate to and understand her. I have told her to share her problems with me and she seems to trust me enough to confide her secrets. But I find myself getting angry. I realize that’s not the right response but her ‘boy troubles’ and peer pressure issues make me want to punish her. How do I discipline my child and make sure she doesn’t become rebellious and pick up bad habits?  

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health 

Every mother wants nothing but the best for her child. It’s natural to feel frustrated with children for their recklessness at times, but punishing them might not be the most effective approach, as you seem to be aware. Yet the way you are feeling now might be due to anger issues with your daughter’s transition, disciplinary concerns, expectations you have for your daughter or your own personal struggle.

When things don’t go as planned, parents-adolescent conflict is fairly common, creating emotional irritation, rage, and concern. Also, because your daughter is just 14, she is in the process of transitioning from childhood to adolescence. You can start by educating yourself on adolescent issues so that you can help your child deal with them.

You’ve stated that you want your daughter to confide in you, and it’s wonderful that she does. It’s great that you want an open relationship for a safe and secure environment for her. But the main issue is that you lose your temper easily. Rather than interrupting, consider active listening. You can try to wait until she finishes her narrative before speaking. If you feel dissatisfied after hearing what she has to say, try asking open-ended questions to convince her to reflect on her thoughts and actions. She might have her own conclusion or way out about the issue. Also you can reflect on what you would expect from your mother if you were in your daughter’s place. This may change your perspective as well.

Try empathetic communication as that might help you deal with her rebellion. Instead of  restricting your daughter from doing things, try to make her feel at ease by validating her feelings. Also, learn to resolve your own anger issues first. To begin with, reflect on your personal life including your expectations and stress.  Try fixing them  through conflict resolution and problem solving skills. But even after this, if you still feel confused, I recommend you attend a therapy session.

I’m a 70-year-old woman who’s not happy in her marriage. My husband is indifferent and insensitive. I’ve been hurt a lot. He is always saying mean things that make me upset and angry. I have even stopped talking to him. But I don’t want a divorce and neither does my husband. But our relationship is suffocating and sad. What should I do?

Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher

In the context of long-term relationships, it’s not uncommon to encounter difficulties and hurdles that test the bond between two people. It’s a positive sign that neither you nor your husband is inclined towards divorce, as this indicates a willingness to work on the relationship. To address these complex issues, it’s important to adopt a holistic approach that takes into account both your perspectives, mental health, personality issues, and various potential strategies.

Begin with self-reflection, examining your own feelings and expectations within the marriage. This introspection can help you clarify what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to contribute towards its improvement. At the same time, try to cultivate empathy towards your husband. Understand his feelings, motivation, and past experiences, as this can be instrumental in fostering mutual understanding and empathy.

Perhaps underlying mental health issues could be the reason behind your husband’s indifference and insensitivity. Long-standing emotional struggles can manifest in these ways, and seeking professional help may provide valuable insights and strategies for managing your emotions and interactions. Additionally, mental disorders like anxiety can exacerbate these issues, as they often manifest as heightened negativity, irritability, and increased emotional sensitivity. These illnesses may remain hidden for years, disguised as behavioral quirks. So, it’s always advisable to visit a mental health expert for a thorough evaluation and professional management, which can play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and harmonious partnership.

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Initiate open and honest conversations with your husband, choosing a time when both of you are calm and willing to engage constructively. Express your feelings, but also actively listen to your husband’s concerns without judgment. If direct communication proves to be challenging and unproductive, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a couples’ therapist or counselor. A neutral third party can facilitate constructive conversations and offer practical tools to improve your relationship.

In some cases, taking some time apart to reflect on your feelings and goals independently can be beneficial. This separation doesn’t necessarily imply a permanent split but can provide both of you some valuable perspective. Establishing clear boundaries is also essential. Let your husband know what specific behaviors or comments you find hurtful, and request that he respect these boundaries. Similarly, be open to acknowledging and addressing any behaviors or comments from your side that he finds problematic.

To rebuild emotional connections, spend quality time together engaging in activities that you both enjoy. This can help create positive memories and strengthen your bond. Rely on your friends and family for emotional support. They can provide valuable insights and a listening ear during this challenging time.

Above all, be patient and persistent in your efforts to make the marriage better. Understand that improving a long-standing relationship takes time and effort from both parties. The ultimate goal should be to achieve a healthier and happier life for both you and your husband, whether that means remaining together and working through these issues or pursuing separate paths while maintaining respect and understanding.

I’m a 30-year-old woman and I have been feeling uninspired and lonely for the last few months. I used to be an early riser and quite active throughout the day. But now I tend to sleep till late and I feel lazy at work. On my off days, I tend to sleep a lot. I tell myself I will turn a new leaf from the next day but I haven’t been able to get back on track. What do you suggest I do?

 Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

 It seems like you are going through adjustment stress, transition stress, or maybe even an existential crisis. You’ve been wanting to do things but aren’t being able to actually do them. I would like you to know that it’s completely normal sometimes. You must be going through some struggles which might have influenced passivity. I assume there’s a sense of hope in reality.

The first thing I recommend you do is try figuring out the reason for your loneliness. If you can’t fix the problem yourself, you can try the community behavioral approach that might help to fix your negative thought pattern and help you deal with demotivation and laziness. For disturbed sleep, low motivation, and the loneliness you are currently struggling with, you can try scheduling activities that you enjoy.  Also, it’s necessary to hold on to a sense of achievement to break the cycle of demotivation. You can start by setting short-term goals or by participating in social activities. Try building a sense of purpose and achieve the goal. It can help bring some much-needed positivity in your days.

 You should also work on sleep hygiene and control screen time before bed. Physical exercises like skipping, walking, and jogging also help us stay motivated, albeit subconsciously. Importantly, you should be mindful that this is just a phase and you will eventually make progress. I suggest you try working on both physical and emotional actions without burdening yourself. You can rely on your family and friends for support. Another great thing would be to spend some time in nature. If these measures aren’t helping you, then I would advise you to seek professional help.