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I’m a 22-year-old who was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) when I was 17. Right now, everything in life is pretty good. My relationships are going well and even work is satisfying. But there is this void in me that makes me sad all the time. I know the reason too. It’s because I’m bad with self-love. I want to change that, and do what it takes to be happy again. Please help me!—AN Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher  It’s good that you know what the problem is. You are already halfway there to solving it. You might think this feeling will never go away, but trust me when I say everything will be okay. I too have felt like that at one point in life, and things got better with time.  What you are feeling is the result of your BPD, that you say you were diagnosed with five years ago. Having this personality disorder makes it difficult to accept yourself the way you are. There are other things like abandonment issues that fuel that feeling. But the thing about personality disorder is it can be managed unlike other illnesses. It doesn’t mean you need to change your personality entirely.  Instead control the feelings that make you uneasy. And the first step of doing so is to realize you need help—the step you just took.  Then, it’s time to analyze your emotions. You say everything is going great but you still feel empty. So ask yourself, what makes you feel that way? Is there something or someone that triggers this feeling? Is your surroundings good for your mental health? Figuring this out will help you know what to do next.  Sharing helps. Don’t hesitate to share how you feel with someone close to you. If it’s not easy for you to open up at once, do it gradually. See how they react when you share something small. If you like the way they respond, you will automatically be comfortable enough to call them up when you need to. But in case you don’t, find someone else who will understand your situation. But don’t let a few people demotivate you from being vocal about your emotions. Not everyone will say what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be anyone with whom you can share how you feel. It can be your partner, your friend, or a psychological professional.  In BPD, it’s natural to seek constant affirmation. Hearing people say things like “Good job!”, “You are doing great!”, and “We are proud of you!” can act as positive reinforcements for your feelings. It can also be things like “I will always be here for you”, “I will not leave you,” or simply “I love you”, to help you with your abandonment issues, since it fuels the feeling of self-loathing.  Don’t get me wrong, you will not depend on these affirmations all your life. What I’m trying to say is these positive words from your close and loved ones can help you see yourself in a different light. It will help you to love yourself the way you are. If you have people who bring you down constantly, it’s best to avoid them.  Also, another trait of those with BPD is to push people away. It’s a response to the abandonment issue. With fear of being abandoned, people with BPD tend to avoid getting close to anyone, or push them away if they see a chance that s/he might leave. It’s their way of shielding themselves from the pain of being left alone. You need to avoid doing this. It will only make you feel more lonely.  Finally, mindfulness meditation is the key to keeping yourself calm. You can find 30 minute-long videos for mindfulness meditation on YouTube. I recommend videos by Michael Sealey. I would also suggest you work with a psychologist who will guide you through mindfulness meditation and therapy. 

Query

I am a 21-year-old woman who was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder five years ago. I have been taking medicines since and though my condition has improved, I still have a problem with my abandonment issues, one of the BPD’s symptoms. I constantly feel like my loved ones are abandoning me, when that is patently untrue. Even if someone does not pick up my call, I start thinking that I am being ignored. This constant need for attention and validation is annoying. Despite being fully aware of this, I am still unable to shake it off. How do I convince myself? —R.M 

Answered by Tashi Gurung, Counseling Psychologist, Happy Minds

I appreciate the fact that you are aware about what is happening to you. Not all are able to identify, let alone accept, what is happening to them. Many are in denial. So you should give yourself some credit for being aware.

Now about you feeling abandoned, I suggest you validate your emotions. Most of the time we try to suppress our feelings and avoid addressing them. So when you feel this way next time, ask yourself this: Would you ignore someone who is feeling terrible and tell them their emotions aren’t valid? You wouldn’t. Rather, you would sit them down and have a deep conversation, show them kindness and compassion. It is necessary for you to treat yourself the same way. Be kind to yourself the way you would be to others. 

You have mentioned how even a small issue makes you feel anxious and abandoned. In this case, have a conversation with your loved one. Rather than being vague about it, be precise. Tell them what you want. For instance, I believe the reason you panic when someone does not pick up your call is because of the uncertainty involved. You are not certain about when you will get a call back, or why your call isn’t being answered. In such a case, you can explain to your loved ones about how you feel and maybe find a common ground that is comfortable to both of you. Perhaps you can ask them to leave a text message saying when they will be free, or when they can accept your call—something to give you a sense of certainty. 

Another thing, rather than blaming others for ignoring you, explain to them how their actions or lack thereof make you feel. It could be a way to start a meaningful conversation, rather than turning into an argument. 

If you find it difficult to employ these practices, you can seek professional help. Make an appointment with a counselor who can instruct you. There are also mindfulness exercises and cognitive behavioral therapy that could help you. 

Query

I am a 55-year-old homemaker who has of late been feeling emotionally vulnerable. There are days when I feel like crying for no reason and other times I am infuriated by everything. My emotions fluctuate all the time and it is exhausting. I suspect this is because of my menopause. Always feeling this way is making me restless and I would appreciate it if you can offer some coping tips. -A stressed homemaker 

Answered by Alisha Humagain, Psychosocial Counselor, Happy Minds 

Going through a menopause can be emotionally difficult. The estrogen level in the body is elevated, making your emotions unstable. Estrogen is linked with the neurotransmitters in your brain, which is why your emotions can fluctuate a lot, making you restless. You will also be going through several hormonal changes that can affect your emotional stability. 

Feeling this way is in a way inevitable. But there are things you can do to balance these emotions. First, it is important to ask yourself what is triggering your emotions. This is where you have to understand your estrogen levels and hormonal changes. You will feel much calmer after you are aware of the reasons behind your mood changes.

Besides bodily changes, other things can also be causing you stress. It is necessary to identify those triggers as well. Only then can we proceed to the next step. 

The second thing you can do is address your emotions. Suppressing emotions and being in denial is even more stressful. You will be better off accepting what you are feeling, like anxiety and depression, and figuring out what can calm you down. One thing you can do is talk to someone who has already gone through menopause. They might be able to help you out with the things they have tried for themselves. This will assure you that you are not alone: others are also going through or have gone through something similar.

It is hard to get a good night’s sleep during menopause. So if you feel like taking a nap during the day, go for it. As a homemaker, you may not have a lot of free time. But it is necessary to prioritize yourself and allocate enough resting time, which will help you reduce your stress. You can practice yoga and mindfulness too. They are very good ways to keep yourself calm and stable throughout the day.

There are many ways of practicing mindfulness. Say, if you have a personal morning routine, you can do it with your mind focused on the activities at hand rather than doing them like chores you must complete. Being mindful is all about being fully aware of what you are doing.  

If you still feel stressed and emotionally volatile, you can always see a counselor.

Query

I am a 35-year-old journalist and in my nearly 10-year-old career, I have reported on many disturbing and traumatic events. I have come across many individuals whose life stories have left me devastated. This has happened to me even while covering stories on animal cruelty. I think those incidents have deeply affected me emotionally and mentally. I find it difficult to do my job as a reporter these days. I empathize too much with the people whose stories I am covering. I feel like their traumas are my own and I don’t know how to separate my work from my personal life. Please help! 

—A worried journo

Answered by Krishangi, Psychologist, Happy Minds

As counselors to people with many kinds of troubles, we come across many stories that keep us up all night. But a teacher once told me: “Their problems are theirs, and yours are yours”. I understand your job requires you to connect with other people and listen to their stories. It is only normal to be affected by their tribulations. We humans empathize with the hardship and trauma of fellow humans. But if you take it too far, it will encroach on your personal life.

You must remember that their stories are not yours. You are your own individual self and you probably have your own set of problems to deal with.

You have to consciously separate yourself from the problems of other people when you are out reporting their stories. One thing you can do is reflect on what you know about the individuals you are talking to and how you can help them by telling their stories. Zoom out from whatever bad situations they might be going through and portray yourself as someone who can help them in a realistic way. 

Remind yourself constantly that your professional and personal lives are two different things. Mixing them up is the last thing you want to do. Learn to leave your work at office. 

To deal with the negative emotions you pick up from your work, you have to find an activity that helps you take them out of your system. If you are not yourself and you start getting affected by other people's sufferings and life stories, you will get burned out and worse, your career will take a hit. 

No, doing these things does not mean you are being selfish, or you do not care about other people. It simply means that you are protecting yourself as an individual.

So if you have interests like working out, or yoga, gardening, or anything you enjoy, you need to make time for them. Focus on growing as an individual.