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I am a 26-year-old student with anger issues. I have no control whatsoever over my anger. Minor inconveniences irritate me and on a bad day, this irritation morphs into a full-blown violent episode: I bang doors and throw stuff. Sometimes, I don’t remember what I did in a fit of rage. I feel extremely guilty after my outburst, but I cannot help myself. How can I prevent something like this from happening in the future when I cannot even remember what I did? My behavior is pushing my friends and well-wishers away. Please help. —An annoyed fellow

Answered by Alisha Humagain, Psychological Counselor, Happy Minds 

Anger is a built-in part of the body’s “fight, flight, or freeze” system, which helps protect us from threats or dangers. Everyone occasionally feels angry, which is common. But if you are unable to control your anger, it can create issues in your relationship with family and peers.

It is important to know that anger and aggression are different things. Anger is an emotion but aggression is related to how a person behaves. Not everyone with anger will show aggression, and not everyone who acts aggressively is angry.

Everyone experiences anger, but there are ways to control it so that it doesn’t spiral out of control. Being aware of the changes in your body, emotions, and behaviors caused by anger can help you decide how you want to react to a situation before you act. Walking away or even pausing for a minute before saying something or reacting can help you get a hold of yourself. 

When you feel like you’re starting to get mad, start counting to 10 slowly. It will help you reduce the intensity of the anger. Releasing tension from your body also helps you calm down. To release tension, drop your shoulders, unclench your jaws, and stretch your body. 

When you are angry it is also common to jump to conclusions. If you find yourself in an argument with someone, take some time to listen and pause before responding. You also have to remember that sometimes when our emotions are running high a situation might seem much worse than it really is. Writing down all your negative thoughts and feelings in a journal can also help you release the anger you might be holding inside. You can also look for other distractions such as listening to music, taking a walk, or even just taking a shower. Diverting your negative thoughts will help you realize that the thing making you angry is not a big deal. 

You can also try using relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation to mitigate anger. If you are unable to control your aggressive tendencies even after trying these strategies, it is best to seek professional help. And remember, addressing the problem is the first step towards healing. 

I am a 21-year-old student with a terrible case of insomnia. I have tried everything possible to get a good night’s sleep, from exercising till exhaustion to using sleeping pills–all to no avail. I feel tired and sleepy but I can barely get myself to sleep for two hours. Some days, I am up all night and asleep all day. This has been going on for six months now. I started having this problem in my teenage and it's only gotten worse. What should I do? —An insomniac

Answered by Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist and Researcher

Most of the time when a patient claims to have a sleeping disorder or insomnia, it is usually a secondary problem. Mostly, it is a symptom of other mental health issues like anxiety and depression. My professional experience tells me that it is only about 10 percent of the time when sleeping disorder is a primary issue. So, to figure this out, you will have to go through a proper assessment with a professional to identify the root cause of your sleeping disorder. Only then can we move towards treatment. 

You also mentioned the activities you have tried to sleep better. You should know that some of those activities do more harm than good. For instance, tiring yourself out through exercise is not good, for excessive workout has a bad effect on your sleep, causing distress and sleep disorder. On the sleeping pills, did you take them after professional consultation? If not, I suggest you get off those pills immediately. If a professional prescribed it, then chances are those pills do not suit you. If that medication does not work, another might. 

Concerning your sleep pattern, sleeping all day and being awake at night is the worst enemy of your mental health. I suggest you look up ‘sleep hygiene’ on the internet and try some of the tips to improve your sleep schedule. Some things included with ‘sleep hygiene’ are: going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, including weekends; ensuring your bedroom is quiet, dark, relaxing and at a comfortable temperature; and avoiding large meals, caffeine and alcohol before bed.

Further, there are times when we feel like we have not fallen asleep, while our body is actually getting enough sleep. We wake up thinking we got minimal rest but in reality, our body will have had an adequate amount of sleep to support us throughout the day. You getting only two hours of sleep a night for the past six months also suggests this. If a human body gets only two hours of sleep a day, it will not function after a week or even less. So your body might be getting adequate sleep but you feel sleep-deprived because of stress. 

My first suggestion for you would be to go through some techniques to maintain sleep hygiene, which you will find on the internet. Second, it is good to seek professional help, if you haven’t, to identify the root cause of your sleep disorder. Only then can you proceed to the solution. 

Question

I am a 33-year-old working woman. I am not married but in a relationship. I tend to give more time to my work rather than to my loved ones or myself. This has affected my relationships with my partner, friends and family members. Consequently, I find myself lonely and to cope with this, I give myself even more work. I absolutely love my work and enjoy that part of my life very much. But at the same time, I feel I’m missing out in my personal life. Please help. -A workaholic 

Answered by Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist, Hudec Nepal

You seem to be aware of the reason for your predicament. You admit that you have turned into a workaholic as a part of coping mechanism. But it also seems that your work-related stress has invaded your personal life and relationships.

You need to learn to balance your work and life. For this, the first thing you can do is setting goals, limits and boundaries at work. This will help you get more organized. Right now, you are unable to organize and set a boundary between your personal and professional life. The second thing is to focus on self-care, by allocating time for yourself.

Doing these things can get confusing, so what you can do is list out all your tasks, prioritize them and assign times to do them. You don’t have to give equal time and energy for each task. Focus where to invest your time based on urgency and importance. Also, learn to say ‘no’ to tasks that you cannot make time for. Many of us have the habit of saying yes to everything, only to later be racked with guilt and regret not being able to say no. Remember, it’s important to make time for oneself and prioritize self-care. 

A healthy lifestyle is essential to cope with stress and to find work-life balance. Eat well, get enough sleep, listen to uplifting music, include physical activity in your routine, and have some self-relaxation time. Try making your hobbies a part of your routine, be assertive, and develop a support system at work and home.

If your life feels too chaotic to manage and you still feel trapped in a vicious cycle of work-guilt-work, we are here to help you. Talk to professionals and take advantage of available services.

Query

I am a 35-year-old working woman who just had a kid. I left my job because I wanted to give all my attention to my child. Being a stay-at-home mom is a sudden change for me.  I feel guilty for wanting my old life as a professional. I can’t help but think that I am a bad mother. My husband is always working and it is solely on me to look after the baby. I am afraid that if I share my feelings with my husband, he might see me as a bad mother. —A worried mother 

Answered by Alisha Humagain, Psychosocial Counselor at Happy Minds 

The transition from working life to parenthood is a significant change. Hormonal changes in women after childbirth are believed to be the reason for mood swings. The hormones, estrogen and progesterone required during pregnancy decline quickly after birth, creating mood swings.

As for changes that you were anticipating after becoming a mother, the transition to a new identity as a parent can be surprising. This does not imply that you don’t care about your child, or that you aren’t a good mother. Simply put, you may require some time to rediscover yourself.

There are many positive things you can do to help you remember who you are and embrace the changes in your life. Having a child impacts your life, but try not to consider this as a bad thing. You may not be as spontaneous, social, or carefree as you used to be, but you’re likely to become more patient and selfless. You might even find an inner strength and confidence you didn't know you had. Instead of worrying about how things will be different now that you're a parent, try to concentrate on spending time and bonding with your child.

It’s best not to assume that your husband will judge you. Communicating with each other can be really beneficial in terms of gaining insight and finding answers to your problems. You may both feel as if your duty as parents has robbed you of your identity. In addition to spending time with your child, try to be with your partner as well. It may be as easy as watching a movie or eating dinner together on a Saturday night. It's also a good idea to seek moral support from your family and friends.

It is quite normal to need a break. Though it may seem obvious, taking a break can indeed be difficult for some new parents, especially if you don't have a support network. It doesn't always have to be about doing something other than caring for your baby. It's wonderful to just sit and do nothing every now and then.

After having a baby, many people battle with their emotions for a while. These should pass, but if your sentiments do not improve or you are unable to manage, it may be an indication that you require additional assistance. It is best to get professional advice, even if you are unable to attend physical sessions and must instead rely on virtual ones.