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Query

I'm a 20-year-old male who cannot complete any task on time. I always leave my work for the night before the submission date and when the time finally comes to do it, I get stressed and anxious. I then become hard on myself, regretting why I hadn’t started earlier. I tell myself that I won't repeat this mistake again. But then the same thing happens with other deadlines. I am stuck in a cycle of procrastination. What should I do? - P.S. 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counselor at HUDEC Nepal 

You being aware of your habit and acknowledging it is a good thing. So this is the perfect time to work on it. 

Procrastination is a form of short-term stress relief for you right now. You may not be a procrastinator by personality. Perhaps you just have a habit of starting your work late. 

First, we need to figure out the reason behind this habit of yours. Reflect on why you’re doing this. Do you procrastinate on particular tasks or in all tasks? 

Normally, the cycle starts with you getting a new task. You may then feel a sense of discomfort, perhaps due to a lack of self-esteem or motivation. Fear of mistakes or perfectionism could also be the reason. In some cases, people feel they need to do their best and they are not quite ready to tackle the assigned work just yet. So they leave it for another day, thus starting to procrastinate. And this cycle keeps repeating for other works as well. 

When a person becomes a habitual procrastinator, they develop an aversion to their work, which then leads to avoidance. Avoiding these tasks offers them temporary relief, but will eventually raise their stress levels when it dawns on them that there is so much to accomplish in so little time. 

When you realize why you’re procrastinating, you will be able to figure out how to get out of it too, what habits to learn, and what to change. 

One thing to remember is that big work needs big motivation, and small work needs small motivation. For a task as simple as doing the dishes, if you have a sink full of dirty dishes and no motivation to wash them, you can divide it into smaller tasks. Maybe just clean a plate and a bowl now and then do something else. Come back after some time to do the rest. In no time, you will have washed all the dishes without even realizing it. 

Looking at the end goal or thinking about what you will achieve after doing certain work can help you get that motivation, be it big or small. 

Query

I’m a 33-year-old newly married woman with a full-time job. Ever since I got married a few months ago, I have struggled to understand the culture of my husband’s family, and to adjust with my in-laws. Juggling my home and work has been frustrating. Sometimes I have to leave work early just to attend a function that my in-laws want me to be present at. It is difficult to fulfill all the responsibilities of a ‘housewife’ when I also have job priorities. My in-laws complain that I’m not social enough or present at home enough. They expect me to be a traditional housewife. I do care about them but I feel burned out with so much on my shoulders. What do I do? —A.K. 

Answered by Krishangi, Psychologist at Happy Minds 

This is a common problem for most Nepali working women. They are defying the old social norms, and there are bound to be some pushback and friction. You’re feeling obligated to please your in-laws by sacrificing your career and identity.  

There is a clear generational gap between you and your in-laws. For them, it is what they have been taught and seen their whole lives. You can’t tell them to suddenly flip a switch and change their mind—it’s not that simple. It is natural for them to have such expectations of you because their in-laws had the same expectations of them.  

You have to try to be patient and gentle with them. Make sure you let them know that while family is important to you, you also cherish your job and that you are not trying to sacrifice one for the other. Tell them that you are simply trying to balance your priorities.  

In a situation where they expect you to be present with them or at a social event when your work schedule doesn’t allow you to do so, tell them in a respectful manner that you can’t be there. You can stand up for yourself without sounding rude. Convey your message respectfully. There has to be a healthy discussion, where you and your in-laws can meet halfway when it comes to such problems.  

If you still have difficulty standing up for yourself, try to talk to your husband about it. Tell him how it is from your perspective. Maybe he can support you in having a fruitful conversation with your in-laws.  

Query

“I’m a 22-year-old female student who is also working right now. Lately, I have been struggling to juggle my studies and job. As a result, I haven’t been doing well in either. I have lost the motivation I once had. Any new assignment at work or college gives me crippling anxiety. This is not me being lazy, or a procrastinator. A lot of time I find myself staring at the blank computer screen, unable to do anything. I am nervous all the time. If I continue to go on this way, I might lose my job or fail my exams. Every day my anxiety gets worse. What should I do?” — KP

Answer by Dristy Moktan, Counselor at Happy Minds

It is a good thing that you are aware that something is happening to you and that you are not your normal self. 

It seems that you’re overwhelmed and unable to manage your time properly. It's natural to feel this way during a transition period when you have so much on your plate. You may have to balance school, work, and your personal life. And if you've just started working, it's okay to make mistakes as you're still learning. It's also okay to take your time figuring things out and finding that appropriate balance of what works and what doesn't. 

You should try to prioritize your tasks and schedule your time properly. Let's try to create a routine that fits your college and work schedules.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious, try breathing exercises to calm yourself down. You can also try grounding exercises, which could help you to be in the present moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself to recognize five things you see, four things you can touch, and so on. It could help you relax and think clearly. You could also try journaling or simply writing your thoughts down. 

And don’t forget to take a break once in a while. No one can keep on working continuously. Go out for a walk, and do something you enjoy like singing or painting. Taking a break for yourself is not wasting your time. You need it. 

Also, try communicating your feelings to the person who is close to you at your college or work. By sharing your feelings you will realize that there is a safe space for you—there is someone who listens to you, and understands how you feel.

If you’ve been feeling this way for a long time and haven’t been able to get through it on your own, it is advised to seek help from a counselor or a psychologist.  

Question

I'm an 18-year-old female student from a middle-class family. I live with my parents and my older brother. As the youngest family member, my parents always tell me to compromise and understand things. I have to agree with everyone and if I mess up, I get reprimanded. It feels like my family think of me as an incompetent person. Nothing I do is good enough. There are frequent arguments in my family on my account. I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay at home. I want to escape. What should I do? —A.K. 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist at HUDEC Nepal

I appreciate you sharing what you have been going through emotionally. It seems like you're struggling with emotional dysregulation, and there’s a problem with the association and coping with your family. You're apparently struggling to regulate your own emotions. If you can regulate your emotions, you can communicate and cope with things better.

One of the causes for your current thinking could be negative self-talk, which may in turn lead to low self-esteem. You may be feeling that the reason behind your parents expecting you to compromise is because you’re the younger one. The other reason could be mental filtering. You may only be getting the negative parts of your parents’ remarks. Or it could be your habit of jumping to a negative conclusion. 

I advise you to start by making a list of things your parents have called you out for. Find out what particular instances or things have made you feel incompetent and belittled. Make a self-inquiry and figure out whether the things you have included in your list are valid concerns. Are you really incompetent and someone who can never do things right? Ask yourself.

If the answer is yes, then you need to work to be better at the things you do. 

If the answer is no, you should change the way you think of yourself. Communicate your feelings with your family, or a family member you feel the closet to—your brother, mother, or father. You can also talk to your close friends, cousins or relatives. 

You can also work on self-care. Proper eating, sleeping, journaling, meditating, anything that you love doing can also help. Doing things you love leads to self-love, and self-love leads to self-worth. You can keep a journal to track your progress. Practice positive affirmation with yourself and your achievements. 

If you have already  tried communicating and it didn’t work, you can seek help from a therapist.