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Question

I am a 33-year-old working woman. I am not married but in a relationship. I tend to give more time to my work rather than to my loved ones or myself. This has affected my relationships with my partner, friends and family members. Consequently, I find myself lonely and to cope with this, I give myself even more work. I absolutely love my work and enjoy that part of my life very much. But at the same time, I feel I’m missing out in my personal life. Please help. -A workaholic 

Answered by Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist, Hudec Nepal

You seem to be aware of the reason for your predicament. You admit that you have turned into a workaholic as a part of coping mechanism. But it also seems that your work-related stress has invaded your personal life and relationships.

You need to learn to balance your work and life. For this, the first thing you can do is setting goals, limits and boundaries at work. This will help you get more organized. Right now, you are unable to organize and set a boundary between your personal and professional life. The second thing is to focus on self-care, by allocating time for yourself.

Doing these things can get confusing, so what you can do is list out all your tasks, prioritize them and assign times to do them. You don’t have to give equal time and energy for each task. Focus where to invest your time based on urgency and importance. Also, learn to say ‘no’ to tasks that you cannot make time for. Many of us have the habit of saying yes to everything, only to later be racked with guilt and regret not being able to say no. Remember, it’s important to make time for oneself and prioritize self-care. 

A healthy lifestyle is essential to cope with stress and to find work-life balance. Eat well, get enough sleep, listen to uplifting music, include physical activity in your routine, and have some self-relaxation time. Try making your hobbies a part of your routine, be assertive, and develop a support system at work and home.

If your life feels too chaotic to manage and you still feel trapped in a vicious cycle of work-guilt-work, we are here to help you. Talk to professionals and take advantage of available services.

Query

I am a 35-year-old working woman who just had a kid. I left my job because I wanted to give all my attention to my child. Being a stay-at-home mom is a sudden change for me.  I feel guilty for wanting my old life as a professional. I can’t help but think that I am a bad mother. My husband is always working and it is solely on me to look after the baby. I am afraid that if I share my feelings with my husband, he might see me as a bad mother. —A worried mother 

Answered by Alisha Humagain, Psychosocial Counselor at Happy Minds 

The transition from working life to parenthood is a significant change. Hormonal changes in women after childbirth are believed to be the reason for mood swings. The hormones, estrogen and progesterone required during pregnancy decline quickly after birth, creating mood swings.

As for changes that you were anticipating after becoming a mother, the transition to a new identity as a parent can be surprising. This does not imply that you don’t care about your child, or that you aren’t a good mother. Simply put, you may require some time to rediscover yourself.

There are many positive things you can do to help you remember who you are and embrace the changes in your life. Having a child impacts your life, but try not to consider this as a bad thing. You may not be as spontaneous, social, or carefree as you used to be, but you’re likely to become more patient and selfless. You might even find an inner strength and confidence you didn't know you had. Instead of worrying about how things will be different now that you're a parent, try to concentrate on spending time and bonding with your child.

It’s best not to assume that your husband will judge you. Communicating with each other can be really beneficial in terms of gaining insight and finding answers to your problems. You may both feel as if your duty as parents has robbed you of your identity. In addition to spending time with your child, try to be with your partner as well. It may be as easy as watching a movie or eating dinner together on a Saturday night. It's also a good idea to seek moral support from your family and friends.

It is quite normal to need a break. Though it may seem obvious, taking a break can indeed be difficult for some new parents, especially if you don't have a support network. It doesn't always have to be about doing something other than caring for your baby. It's wonderful to just sit and do nothing every now and then.

After having a baby, many people battle with their emotions for a while. These should pass, but if your sentiments do not improve or you are unable to manage, it may be an indication that you require additional assistance. It is best to get professional advice, even if you are unable to attend physical sessions and must instead rely on virtual ones.

Query

I am a 21-year-old student who was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder when I was 17. I was given medication to treat my depression. But last year, I quit my medication without consulting my psychiatrist. I feel like I am doing fine and I am mentally stable. I fear that my psychiatrist will get angry with me if I tell her that I quit my medication. But at the same time, I also need an expert to tell me that I am indeed fine. What should I do?—A confused patient 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist, Hudec Nepal

The first thing you need to understand is that your psychiatrist is there to help you, not judge you. Your doctor will not be angry at you. She is there to guide you. There are many cases of patients quitting medication without any consultation. Chances are your psychiatrist may have had the experience of cases like this before. 

You should also understand that the fear of her getting angry is an imaginary scenario that you have created in your mind. Again, know that your doctor is there to help you.

Second, every doctor wants their patients to be happy and healthy. It is the same in your case. You being better is the main goal, for both you and your doctor. If quitting medication has made you feel better, then your psychiatrist will definitely address that. 

But sometimes while we think we are doing fine, something inside us might be going wrong. So it is necessary for you to visit a professional and get a legitimate diagnosis. It is the only way to determine whether you are actually doing fine. 

Feeling good and being healthy are two different things. Sometimes when we feel good about our mental health, we might still not be healthy. That’s why professional diagnosis is essential.

In case the diagnosis is positive, then that’s great. But if it turns out to be negative, there is no need to panic as well. Sometimes we slip off and we pull ourselves back again. The doctor will give you necessary suggestions, will resume the required medication if you need it, and with a bit of time, you will regain your mental health. No matter what happens, your psychiatrist will always be on your side, as both of you have the same goal—your mental wellbeing. 

Coming back to your fear of angering your doctor, if you are unable to move on from this fear, you can always consult a new psychiatrist. You might feel the new psychiatrist does not know your history. That is alright. In some cases, a patient’s mental health history is not necessary. Also, you can always share your history with your new doctor. 

I still suggest you visit your psychiatrist to gain more clarity on what to do next. If you cannot, you can always go to a new one. 

Query

I am a 22-year-old student who struggles to maintain a healthy relationship, be it with friends, dates or family members. Even the smallest thing they do or say affects me and I start crying. I know this behavior is linked to my terrible experiences in the past. It would be of great help if I knew how to manage my emotions and get over my past trauma. I don’t want to hurt the people around me. —N.G.  

Answer by Krishangi, Counselor at Happy Minds 

Your past is what shapes you. So bad past experiences make you build walls around yourself as a defense against getting hurt again. Your past experiences probably trigger you in your current life situations, making you bitter to other people as well. This causes confusion among those people who are in your life right now. 

First, you have to understand why and what about your past is affecting your present. Take some time out for yourself every night to journal your feelings, write down the situations that have hurt you and how they affected you in the past and in the present. Once you become aware of those issues, your emotions will be clearer to you.  

When you become aware of what has hurt you and shaped you in a negative manner, you can slowly start working on bringing your wall and defenses down. You being guarded might have been helpful at one point, but it doesn’t serve any purpose now. If anything, it is only affecting your loved ones.  

You can start by breaking your wall one brick at a time. It is essential not to feel pressured in this process. You should know that you won’t be fine overnight. You might feel a lot of emotions, good and bad, while taking this step. Also know that being emotional is not a weakness; you can always use it as strength to overcome hurdles. Letting go of the negative past experiences can be a very difficult start, but everyday is a new day. 

Something very simple like talking to a friend, family member or a counselor about your thoughts might also help you process your emotions and see things with a different perspective. Bottling up your feelings can suffocate you from within, causing you to make rash or irrational decisions, which could push away your loved ones. I suggest that you share your thoughts and feelings. It will make you feel lighter.