Mind Matters | Why is my daughter anxious?
Query
I am a 36-year-old working mom to a 13-year-old girl. I provide for every need of my daughter. But I recently found out that she struggles with severe anxiety. She suffers from panic attacks, especially before her exams. So I took her for treatment and she is getting the help she needs. But I can’t understand why, despite having everything, she is struggling with a mental health problem. – A worried mother
Answer by Shreeya Giri, Founder of Happy Minds
First of all, it is important for you to know that just because your daughter has everything doesn’t mean she is completely protected from mental health issues.
There could be many reasons she is having anxiety attacks. For instance, when it comes to parent-child relations, the age gap is always a big barrier, making communication difficult. Maybe because you’re at work all day, your daughter could be feeling she is not getting enough time and attention from you. The distance created between you and your daughter by your professional life may have led to a situation where her emotional needs are not being met.
It is wonderful that you have prioritized your daughter’s mental health and given her the treatment she needs. You can also help her from your personal side by trying to understand her anxiety. Is it something she gets at school? Maybe it is the pressure of studying right before exams? Or is it because she is not getting enough time and attention at home? You will only know the reason with open and honest communication with your daughter.
Understanding your daughter’s emotional needs can help you figure out what she needs.
Perhaps she just wants to spend some quality time with you after you return from work in the evening or before you head out in the morning.
Have patience with her. She will communicate what she needs and what she is going through. Teenagers find it more comfortable to confide in friends rather than in parents. If you build a loving and trusting relationship with your daughter, she will talk to you more openly.
Lastly, let your daughter know you have unconditional love for her, so even when you aren’t home, she is reassured that you love her and that it is okay to share what she is going through with you.
Mind Matters | Attracted to my counselor
I am a 27-year-old male who has had anxiety issues since childhood. I recently started seeing a counselor with whom I share all my problems. She listens to me patiently and she has, in a way, become a motherly figure to me. (I didn’t have a good mother.) But of late, I feel that I am attracted to her. I think of her all the time. I cannot wait to see her again. I find that I am emotionally dependent on her. Is this feeling natural? What should I do? -A.R.A.
Nishma Choudhary, Student of MA in Clinical Psychology and Co-founder of My Sirani
It is normal to develop feelings for your counselor. You are sharing your deepest secrets with her. Developing feelings for someone who patiently listens to your problems and who gives you non-judgemental advice is natural. She is giving you a space where you’re comfortable being vulnerable. Maybe that’s a state you associate with feeling loved, whether it is with a parent or a partner.
You need to take into consideration a couple of things. How long has it been since you started developing feelings or attraction towards her? Is the termination of the feelings taking longer than needed?
Maybe you can start by contemplating why you may be feeling this way. If counseling has been helping you with your anxiety, then you must be getting positive nurturing feelings out of your sessions. And perhaps this feeling is causing you to look at your counselor as a motherly figure. Your feelings may have also born out of the gratitude you hold for her for listening to you and helping you. Or, because you long to have someone to talk to, someone who understands your struggle with anxiety, which your counselor is for you right now.
One thing that you can do is talk about your feelings with your counselor. At the end of the day, she is there to support you emotionally. She understands your condition and she will know how you can understand and deal with your emotions in the best way. There is in fact no one better to talk about this issue than your counselor.
I understand it can be awkward for you, but chances are your counselor has experienced something similar before. So I advise that you talk to your counselor before you seek advice from anyone else. She is there to help you.
Mind Matters | Son cannot concentrate
Query
My 12-year-old son, who is in Grade VI, cannot concentrate on his studies and his grades are deteriorating. As a parent, I help him with his homework. His teachers complain that he does not respond in classes, nor does he complete his assignments. My son apparently has a problem grasping lessons. I have noticed that he is not ready to answer questions asked by his teachers during online classes, and his mind is distracted. Although he is an inquisitive and active young boy, he does not engage in classroom activities. He has to be coaxed and cajoled into everything. He also has a problem comprehending time or distance properly. How can I help him? -Y
Answer by Dr Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande Hospital
All symptoms here are related to concentration. But there is a need for further exploration to find out more and discover other symptoms.
Your son is at an age when he is bound to go through many behavioral changes. You must try to determine what is causing the changes that are hindering his ability to concentrate and affecting his studies. Is he not able to do everyday things for his age because of lack of motivation? Or is he just displaying oppositional behavior since you, as a parent, have been pushing him into doing things?
I would recommend visiting either a clinical psychologist or a child psychiatrist who can assess your son’s symptoms. Kanti Children’s Hospital at Maharajgunj has a children guidance clinic with a team of experts who specialize in child psychology. They can guide you on how you can help your son.
On a personal level, try to understand him. It is wonderful that you make time for him and help him out with school-work. But try to understand what he is thinking as well. Maybe ask him how he is feeling. What is happening? What is he thinking about? Why is it hard for him to concentrate? Why doesn’t he finish assignments?
Often, direct questioning may not be fruitful as he may not know the answers himself. But it is important to create an environment for your son to comfortably communicate and express his feelings. You can then ask him these questions. Your job is to create that environment at home, acknowledge his feelings with utmost care and love, and consult professionals if you deem it necessary for your son’s development.
With online classes, lack of interaction with peers has separated many children from the real world. Has your son been struggling since before or after the pandemic’s onset? This may help you understand its cause and that is the first step to figuring out how you can improve things. As you said, he is an inquisitive and active child, so with proper guidance, care and treatment, he could well be able to fulfill his responsibilities.
Mind Matters | Migraine Forgetfulness
Query
I'm a 35-year-old male who has been a migraine patient for about five years now. I have heard that migraine also brings many mental health problems in its wake including memory-loss. Recently I have been struggling even to recall familiar names. This didn't happen before and I think it is because of migraine. I want to know if it is something I need to worry about. And what can I do to improve things? -KB
Answer by Dr. Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande Hospital
First, for proper diagnosis and treatment, it is important to know the intensity and frequency of headaches. In rare cases migraine is associated with forgetfulness, which is known as transient global amnesia, but it is not as specific as you have mentioned, i.e. only forgetting familiar names. Forgetfulness is common in anxiety disorders as well as in depression. Over 50 percent of migraine patients have depression and anxiety and more than 80 percent of migraine episodes are precipitated by stress. So we need to explore it to properly address migraine as well as to find the cause of forgetfulness you suffer from. This can be done by visiting a psychiatrist who will treat both.
As you have had migraine for a long time, it is even more important to address it. Migraine is a major cause of disability as it hampers with your work as well as social life. It must also have hampered your life both directly and indirectly. Being aware of what is really going on will help you with the fear and worry you’re experiencing, and you might be reassured once you know you are being treated.
On a personal level, you can try mindfulness meditation. You can find plenty of 10-30 minute meditation guides on YouTube. Taking some time out to meditate will do wonders for your mental health.
Another thing you can do is maintain a headache diary. After you have a migraine episode, write down what you did in the 24 hours before the episode: list all your activities and events of the day as well as your food intake. After doing this six or seven times, you may observe common activities that trigger your migraine. An empty stomach, disrupted sleep, and high coffee and alcohol intake can also trigger migraine. But most importantly, you need to talk to an expert before jumping to conclusions.