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Query

“I’m a 22-year-old female student who is also working right now. Lately, I have been struggling to juggle my studies and job. As a result, I haven’t been doing well in either. I have lost the motivation I once had. Any new assignment at work or college gives me crippling anxiety. This is not me being lazy, or a procrastinator. A lot of time I find myself staring at the blank computer screen, unable to do anything. I am nervous all the time. If I continue to go on this way, I might lose my job or fail my exams. Every day my anxiety gets worse. What should I do?” — KP

Answer by Dristy Moktan, Counselor at Happy Minds

It is a good thing that you are aware that something is happening to you and that you are not your normal self. 

It seems that you’re overwhelmed and unable to manage your time properly. It's natural to feel this way during a transition period when you have so much on your plate. You may have to balance school, work, and your personal life. And if you've just started working, it's okay to make mistakes as you're still learning. It's also okay to take your time figuring things out and finding that appropriate balance of what works and what doesn't. 

You should try to prioritize your tasks and schedule your time properly. Let's try to create a routine that fits your college and work schedules.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious, try breathing exercises to calm yourself down. You can also try grounding exercises, which could help you to be in the present moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself to recognize five things you see, four things you can touch, and so on. It could help you relax and think clearly. You could also try journaling or simply writing your thoughts down. 

And don’t forget to take a break once in a while. No one can keep on working continuously. Go out for a walk, and do something you enjoy like singing or painting. Taking a break for yourself is not wasting your time. You need it. 

Also, try communicating your feelings to the person who is close to you at your college or work. By sharing your feelings you will realize that there is a safe space for you—there is someone who listens to you, and understands how you feel.

If you’ve been feeling this way for a long time and haven’t been able to get through it on your own, it is advised to seek help from a counselor or a psychologist.  

Question

I'm an 18-year-old female student from a middle-class family. I live with my parents and my older brother. As the youngest family member, my parents always tell me to compromise and understand things. I have to agree with everyone and if I mess up, I get reprimanded. It feels like my family think of me as an incompetent person. Nothing I do is good enough. There are frequent arguments in my family on my account. I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay at home. I want to escape. What should I do? —A.K. 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist at HUDEC Nepal

I appreciate you sharing what you have been going through emotionally. It seems like you're struggling with emotional dysregulation, and there’s a problem with the association and coping with your family. You're apparently struggling to regulate your own emotions. If you can regulate your emotions, you can communicate and cope with things better.

One of the causes for your current thinking could be negative self-talk, which may in turn lead to low self-esteem. You may be feeling that the reason behind your parents expecting you to compromise is because you’re the younger one. The other reason could be mental filtering. You may only be getting the negative parts of your parents’ remarks. Or it could be your habit of jumping to a negative conclusion. 

I advise you to start by making a list of things your parents have called you out for. Find out what particular instances or things have made you feel incompetent and belittled. Make a self-inquiry and figure out whether the things you have included in your list are valid concerns. Are you really incompetent and someone who can never do things right? Ask yourself.

If the answer is yes, then you need to work to be better at the things you do. 

If the answer is no, you should change the way you think of yourself. Communicate your feelings with your family, or a family member you feel the closet to—your brother, mother, or father. You can also talk to your close friends, cousins or relatives. 

You can also work on self-care. Proper eating, sleeping, journaling, meditating, anything that you love doing can also help. Doing things you love leads to self-love, and self-love leads to self-worth. You can keep a journal to track your progress. Practice positive affirmation with yourself and your achievements. 

If you have already  tried communicating and it didn’t work, you can seek help from a therapist. 

I’m a 20-year-old female who is afraid of the dark. When I’m alone in a dark room or a closed space, I get extremely scared. I always sleep with the lights on, but then again I struggle to fall asleep in a bright environment. If I force myself to sleep in the dark, I get sleep paralysis. I went to the doctor and I was prescribed ‘Clonazepam’ for a week. When I took the medicine, I fell asleep sooner and I didn’t get scared. But after a week, it all started again. —SK 

Answer by Dr Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande International Hospital  

First, the information you provide here is limited, and we need more detail to exactly know what it is that may be causing your problem. It appears you are suffering from fear of the dark, also known as nyctophobia.  

With phobias, there are many features that align with anxiety. It can lead to anxiety disorder, thus, your anxiety needs to be checked by a specialist to provide medication accordingly.  

Sleep paralysis could be an outcome of anxiety and stress. You may be putting yourself in a stressful and anxious state when you force yourself to go to sleep in the dark. So your phobia may be the reason for the sleep paralysis.  

On a personal level, you can practice anxiety-relieving techniques like mediation, stretching exercises, yoga, cardio, aerobics, etc. Also try to avoid coffee if you are a coffee drinker, because it can trigger anxiety and lead to sleep disturbances.  

There are specific treatments designed to cure this and medication is one of them. Clonazepam is prescribed as a short-term anxiety medication, and it won’t help you in the long run. So you cannot depend on it.  

There are also therapies for phobias. There is the exposure therapy, where you’re made to face your fear using different techniques. It is different from facing your fear on your own which might be traumatic.  

So visiting a psychologist or a specialist is the best thing you can do right now to calm your anxiety and to face your fear. 

Query

“I’m a 36-year-old mother to a 13-year-old girl. I am worried about my daughter as she barely talks to anyone. At home she remains cloistered in her room, and her teacher says she is quiet at school too. I initially thought this was just a brooding teenage phase. But it has been going on for almost four months now. I took her to a counselor, to no avail. She has become extremely reticent and doesn’t trust anyone with her thoughts and feelings. I’ve tried talking to her, but it’s like hitting a brick wall. She won’t let anyone in. I’m afraid she is going through something terrible on the inside. How can I help her?” —A concerned mother 

Answer by Krishangi, Psychologist at Happy Minds  

As a 13-year-old girl, she must be going through a lot. You have to be able to create a space where she feels comfortable opening up and talking to you. Start by letting her know what specific depressive symptoms you have noticed and why they worry you, then ask if she is willing to share how she feels. Listen to her and don’t criticize, judge, or compare her situation with others. If she doesn’t open up, simply let her know that you are there for her and willing to support her. 

Don’t give up the first time she shuts you down. You have to be patient and persistent. Teenagers who are the same age as your daughter often have difficulty expressing and understanding their feelings. As a mother, you must constantly reassure her by being there for her. At the same time, you should make sure you are not overwhelming her.   

When she tries to open up or share even the smallest thing, take that as a win. Make sure you don’t disregard her feelings or concerns as irrational or illogical. Acknowledge her emotions and feelings to make her feel understood and supported. 

If she still doesn’t talk to you, reach out to someone (her cousins, friends, teachers, or anyone she seems to trust) whom she does talk or listen to. The important thing is that she talks to someone about her feelings. Also, reach out to her school and find out about her friend circle—if they are using certain comments or phrases that could be contributing to her behavior.  

The other thing you could do is spend at least 30 minutes with your daughter, doing things that she likes. You could even help with her daily homework.  

Try to get her involved in extracurricular activities she might be interested in, giving her a sense of purpose. Help her minimize screen time, and involve her in more face-to-face interactions. You could also encourage her to invite her friends over.  

Sometimes, as a parent, all you can do is let your children know that you are there to listen and offer them support. Your daughter needs to know that she is valued, accepted, cared for and loved.